@oddtail
Thank you so much for articulating this so clearly. I'm going to share my reactions to specific parts in case they resonate with someone else who needs to hear this.

This is a long post, so I'll break it up with headings!

THE BEFORE TIME

Two years ago, after my marriage ended, I started rediscovering my femininity, without realizing what it meant. One year ago, I was completely burned out from stress at work, continued grief from my marital separation, and unconscious dysphoria. After getting into a stable situation, I fell into a mindset of being content with my existence, but not really caring about it. I was constantly so very tired. Then came my awakening...

WTF AM I DOING??

I had so much doubt during those first couple of months! What am I doing? Is this real, or do I just want to escape this nothingness? But I still pushed forward, doing everything possible to start my medical transition.

Even now, after three months on HRT, "Mr. Doubt" still occasionally knocks on the door.

IMAGINE...

Every time I've ever imagined myself with a feminine body, I've felt a painful longing, a deep ache for something I never thought I could have. I suppressed it for so long because I thought it was just a silly dream, and I had to face the harsh reality that I was just a man--a word I've always hated when I applied it to myself.

BACKING UP A BIT

The first time I started to embrace my femininity was 17 years ago. I was discovering myself, and feeling great about being accepted by my female friends. I went for three laser sessions when I realized how much I hated my facial hair (without realizing the significance). But after being ghosted by my best friend (100% my fault) and a disastrous dating period, I told myself to stop pretending and face reality. Like the prisoner running back into Plato's cave, I buried my true self and tried to play the role I thought I had to play for 15 more years.

WHAT YOU DON'T MIND DON'T MATTER

Today I'm 100% committed and 100% overjoyed about my transition, but I'm still zeroing in on the masculine aspects I want to keep. Even that thing. I can't wait to get rid of his two buddies (who are really useless), but I'm keeping a part of me that screams masculinity. I'm also working out to preserve my "hard curves." I love the curve of my shoulders, even if most women would consider them overly bulky. They don't make me feel less feminine.

JUST WINDOW DRESSING

They say "the clothes make the man." For the most part, I wear the clothes I've always worn. I don't wear makeup to work every day. Despite my highly dysphoric bald spot, I don't wear a wig.

All of those things are just expression. I'm confident in my identity and less concerned with how other people see my gender. I don't think of it as "boy-mode." To me it's a neutral presentation. In my workplace, we all wear jeans and casual shirts. On the shop floor, women wear the same coveralls as men. (They don't fit well, but that's another story.) My cis-feminine coworkers aren't seen as male because of their clothing; I'm not male because of mine.

SAY MY NAME

If there's one thing that makes me feel beautiful inside, it's when people call me Violet. It would have been worth coming out just for that joy. My old name was just a label; my real name is *who I am.*

Think of what makes you light up inside, the little things that make you yearn for your authentic gender. Let your doubts rise and wash over you; the sum of all of your joy will wash them out to sea.

IN THE NOW

Mr. Doubt visits me less often now, but he's still there, snoozing in my cerebellum. I don't care about him. After 53 years in the cave, I feel like I've *lived* most of my life in the last five months. Several times every day, I pause and thank the universe for my transition.

I AM VIOLET

I'm trans, I'm feminine, and I feel beautiful. :heart_trans: